To Kill a Spider
by ToxiNeena
Summary: Because, really, who threw a shoe in hopes of killing a spider, and not only missed it, but somehow broke her nose in the process? Well, her. That was who.


**_Okay, well, I guess the inspiration for this came from fmylife . com. Seriously. So funny. Anyway, read, review, and most importantly, enjoy!_**

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While trying to kill a spider in her kitchen, Sakura thought it would be wise to throw a shoe at it. The shoe hit the wall, bounced off the fridge and hit her in the face. The lucky spider crawled away, surely still laughing somewhere.

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"Yeah, dude, and he was all like, '_whatchu talkin' bout Willis?'_" Naruto was bawling with laughter and speaking animatedly at the same time about his new favorite American sitcom. It was his fourth new favorite just this week.

"Seriously, Naruto." Shikamaru yawned as he stretched on the floor, appearing to be quite bored. He'd listened to the same story _three times_ now, after all, and Shikamaru had never had a long attention span in the first place. "Why don't you watch TV that's made for, oh, I don't know, _our_ country? Jeez, so troublesome…"

Sasuke, being the third party of the group, couldn't have agreed more.

"Oh, you guys just don't understand!" the blonde cried. "It's so funny!" Then, he furrowed his eyebrows, thinking deeply. "You know what? I bet the girls will appreciate the show more than you two. Man, I've got to show it to them!"

Shikamaru bolted upright with sudden alertness. "Don't you dare," he warned with narrowed eyes. "The last time Ino took a recommendation from you, she wouldn't shut up about how 'romantic' it was for _four_ _months!_"

"Don't poison Sakura's taste either," Sasuke stated. If she found dramas that she really, truly enjoyed, well, he had to pay the price—paying the price meant that he actually had to sit and watch them with her; if he fell asleep? Well, Sakura would refuse to speak to him for days on end, reasoning that 'he didn't respect her taste in television'.

Yeah. That bad. Even Uchiha Sasuke couldn't stand being put out in the doghouse.

"Come _on!_ You know Sakura-chan would—"

Sasuke's phone buzzed in his pocket. Naruto paused from his rant, eyeing Sasuke until he pulled out the device.

It was Sakura, Sasuke smirked. "Speak of the devil," he mused, answering the call. "Sakura," he greeted, waiting to hear her chipper voice.

"'Tazuke?" a nasally voice answered him.

He had to do a double take and check the caller ID. Yeah, it was definitely Sakura's phone at least…but it certainly _wasn't_ her on the other end of the line. "Who is this?" he asked rather coldly.

Had Sakura left her phone on one of the desks in the lecture hall back at the University? Or worse, on the public bus again? That been a bitch of a time...

"Berry punny," the voice replied, irritation clear. "It'z me, Takura."

"Sakura?" he echoed, with widening eyes.

Next to him, Naruto read the signals flaring across Sasuke's face. "What?" he asked. "What is it? Is Sakura-chan okay?"

Sasuke pried the phone away from his ear, pressing the mute button quickly. "I don't know." He frowned and then placed his large hand on the blonde's face, shoving him away roughly. Personal space and private conversations meant nothing to the dobe. He unmuted.

"Tazuke?"

He sighed. "Yeah, I'm here. Listen, are you okay?"

"Do I tound okay do dou?" she asked haughtily.

Wisely, Sasuke shut his mouth. Just what happened to her? Was she hurt? Was it a cold? He grimaced; a sick Sakura was not a fun Sakura. "Are you sick? What's wrong?"

"Well, I dink I boke my doze."

"Your what? Your nose?"

"Yez! My doze!"

Sasuke almost snorted. Sakura sounded absolutely ridiculous, her voice all nasally and unintelligible and—and then it kicked in—she'd broken her nose._ Broken,_ which meant it was probably ugly, purple and swelling. "Wait…you broke your nose?"

Sakura huffed, but it sounded more like a cough. "Do I really 'ab do repeat mytelb?"

"No, I understand." Sasuke pursed his lips, worried.

How could she have possibly broken her nose? She was supposed to be back at the apartment, by herself, making dinner... She was more likely to cut her hand chopping tomatoes than break her nose... The, he paused. This was Sakura, and knowing her, she'd probably fallen down the apartment stairs or ran into the wall or something.

"Do I want to ask why?" He glanced at Naruto, who was pouting in the corner after being booted from Sasuke's side. Naruto met his friend's gaze and then puckered his lips sourly; he flipped Sasuke the middle finger and then stuck out his tongue. Sasuke scoffed and turned around to face the wall, still awaiting Sakura's answer.

"Um…atually, could dou duzt come hobe?" Her voice sounded a bit sheepish, pleading even. "I'mb doo tared do fick my doze on my own."

Sasuke half-turned and peered over his shoulder at his company—Naruto, still brooding in the corner, and Shikamaru, now asleep on the floor. "Yeah," he replied. "I'll be there soon, go sit on the couch and wait for me, put a cold compress on your face. ...And try not to bleed on the couch, okay?" The couch was brand new and white. He would _not_ be happy if he had to replace it.

"Okay." She ended the call first, seeming all too eager to hang up.

She was probably embarrassed beyond belief—calling her boyfriend to come home and have a look at her broke nose and all. He frowned. Judging from the way she sounded, it was a pretty nasty break. He'd noticed that she'd been breathing through her mouth for the entirety of the conversation. She'd tried to cover it up, though.

"Something wrong with Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked with a pouty voice.

"She broke her nose; I'm going home."

"What?" Naruto's spine straightened with a snap. "Is she alright? Is it bad? What happened?"

Shikamaru sat up, blinking blearily.

Sasuke rolled his eyes at Naruto's sudden concern. "Seeing as she held a full conversation with me, she's fine, and I don't know what happened, she didn't say." He grabbed his jacket that hung off the back of the plush chair gaming chair in front of the television and slipped on his shoes, opening the door to Naruto's apartment.

"Oh…" the blonde muttered, staring after his friend. "Well, tell her that I hope she feels better. Oh, I know, I'll bring her some flowers tomorrow! Hey, Sasuke, what are Sakura-chan's favorite—"

Sasuke slammed the door shut.

Flowers. Ridiculous. It was only a broken nose. Besides, Sakura couldn't smell anything with a broken nose, right? Right.

But the guilt, though he dreaded to admit it, began to eat away at him. He did kind of feel for her, breaking her nose and all, but did that mean he had to get her a get-well present? As her boyfriend, did he have that sort of obligation? If Ino were there with him, she probably would have been appalled that he even dared to ask himself such a question. As she had told him numerous times, when in doubt, ask himself, WWID?

_What Would Ino Do?_

Since Ino was practically Sakura's other half—the two were nearly inseparable, unfortunately—and seemed to always know what the fiery, rosy-haired girl wanted or needed, after all.

So, he thought begrudgingly, WWID? What would Ino do in this situation?

The last time Sakura got injured—broke her leg after falling out of the car door—Ino had been the first to buy a get well balloon and bring a home-cooked meal, courtesy of Ino's chef of a mother. He guessed that solved one problem, he was supposed to get her something. But that brought up the issue of what exactly _to get_. Well, food was out of the question, seeing as Sakura had to breathe out of her mouth. Flowers were a no since she couldn't smell. And he certainly wasn't going to go out and buy a balloon—that was a bit eccentric, and he wasn't about to walk home with it dangling like a beacon floating above his head that said _whipped_.

His feet scuffed the road as he walked on. Thankfully it wasn't that much of a walk between his and Sakura's apartment and Naruto's—for some reason, he really didn't know why, Sakura wanted to live within a hundred meter radius from most of her friends; he supposed it had something to do with not wanting to be separated from Ino for vast amounts of time.

Anyway, Sasuke continued, racking his brain for some sort of epiphany.

Then, after thinking back to Naruto's excited rant earlier, he thought of something that fit the bill. Well, for Sakura at least. Him…eh, not so much. He was sure that he was going to regret buying it later, but…it was better than having Ino gnaw his head off for _not_ buying Sakura a present.

After stopping at a nearby convenience store, a paper bag in his left hand, he hurried back home. He really hoped that Sakura had listened to him somewhat.

When he opened the door to their apartment, to his surprise, he found Sakura curled into a decorative pillow on the couch, watching TV with a small bag of peas plastered to her face. She had listened to him after all. She jumped when the door opened and met Sasuke's gaze with startled eyes.

"Oh," she breathed, "it'z dou." From underneath the bag of peas she smiled, the visible parts of her face brightening. "Torry por calling dou out," she apologized.

"It's fine. What about your nose?" Sasuke questioned, hiding the brown package behind his back as he removed his shoes.

"T'okay, I dink."

"It doesn't sound okay," he countered. "Just what did you do anyway?"

Sakura looked down, an embarrassed blush creeping from her cheeks to her ears. Sasuke didn't miss this of course.

"Umb…" she mumbled. "Dou prombiz not do laugh?"

One of Sasuke's eyebrows rose. Laugh? Him? He never laughed. Okay, well, he laughed _sometimes_. Just very rarely. And even then it wasn't really laughter-it was more like snorting.

"Right. Okay." She sighed. "I wuz imb da kitten—"

"The kitten?" Sasuke interrupted. "You were…inside…the kitten. The hell? And since when did we have a cat?" He looked over his shoulder, half-expecting a furry beast to start rubbing itself on his pant-leg, vibrating and whatnot.

"No," she stressed, "de _kitten!_" She pointed to the small kitchenette across the hall, glaring.

Oh. Sasuke blinked. She meant kitchen. Well.

"I wuz imb da kitten cleabing ben I taw a pider—"

"You mean, spider?" Sasuke interrupted again, this time with a knowing smirk.

"Yez, I mean _spider,_" she tried for the word, wincing when she accidentally wrinkled her nose to force out the 's'. She hissed, pressing the frozen peas closer to her enflamed nose. Sasuke crossed the room, the present still hidden from view, and sat on the couch by her right side. She turned to face him, scooting back slowly in order to see him without try to peer over the bulging bag of peas. "I trew a too—"

Sasuke assumed she meant 'shoe', but he couldn't be one-hundred percent sure.

"—but it 'it da wall, den it bount off da fridge an' 'it me imb da face!"

Sasuke paused for a moment, deciphering her new language, and then scoffed. "You attempted to kill a spider," he said slowly, "and wound up having a shoe hit the wall, bounce of the fridge and into your face, ultimately breaking your nose…"

Sakura nodded exuberantly. "Da pider got away, doo!"

And then Sasuke smirked, covering his mouth with a hand, gripping his jaw tightly in order to not snort. It almost didn't work.

Sakura cried out, "Dou prombizd not do laugh!"

That damn spider was already laughing at her somewhere, wherever it crawled to. Because, really, _who_ threw a shoe in hopes of killing a spider, and not only missed it, but somehow broke her nose in the process? Well, her. That was who. She didn't need her boyfriend—who was _supposed_ to be as stoic as a _brick_—laughing at her too.

"I'm not laughing," he stated, clearing his throat and setting down his hand.

"Oh, beally?" she countered, eyes narrowing. She winced again—damn nose-wrinkling!

Then, Sasuke sighed, closing his eyes. "Alright, just let me have a look."

"No." Sakura scooted further away. "It'z 'ideous," she whined, probably frowning; he couldn't tell what expression she had due to the massive bag of peas.

Exasperated, Sasuke crossed his arms. "You called me over here to straighten your nose for you, so I'm going to damn well do it," he said crossly.

Honestly, when she was flip-floppy like this it drove him up the proverbial wall. _Yes, please help, oh, wait, no, never mind…actually, yes…wait, yeah, no._ Seriously. He held up a hand and curled a finger inwards as if to say 'come hither'. Sakura gulped, staring at him for a few seconds, still debating.

She'd never broken her nose before, and well, it hurt like a bitch. But now she had to have it realigned, which, she'd heard from various sources, hurt worse than the actual breaking. It wasn't as though she'd never broken a bone before, she had done so plenty of times, but she'd always been lucky enough to never need realignment. Now…well…if it wasn't done soon, her nose would be permanently crooked. Definitely a high-ranking no-no on 'Sakura's Top Ten List of No-No's'.

Though, she supposed, it was better to have her boyfriend fixing her nose rather than some stranger with cold hands who smelled like sterilizer. "Okay," she caved. But then, she pointed to his lap. If she was going to do this, then she figured that she might as well mooch and cuddle up. Sasuke wasn't the cuddling type.

"Fine," Sasuke consented.

She maneuvered and positioned herself on his awaiting lap, hankering down and wiggling till she fit perfectly. She faced him, still holding the bag of frozen peas to her wound.

"Comfortable?" he asked with an amused smirk.

"As combortible as I'mb going do get," Sakura admitted with a nod; she gulped, _Time to do this bad boy_, she thought.

Sasuke only rolled his eyes at her behavior. Really, she was acting like a child going to the dentist for a filling. Though, she _was_ having her cartilage repositioned…ah, well, he understood his analogy—she was definitely overreacting. He reached out and ever-so gingerly pried the ice-cold bag of peas from her hand, to which Sakura scrunched her eyes shut, and assessed the damage.

"'Ow bad id it?" she tentatively inquired, opening one eye just enough to gauge her boyfriend's reaction.

It wasn't much. Hell, he was one of the most stoic people on the planet—she swore that only Sai, their emotionally scarred next-door neighbor, could even compete with Sasuke's aloofness. Sasuke blinked, unaffected at the gruesome sight that greeted him. Her nose was bent to the left, swollen to twice its original size—even after being iced for at least a half hour—and was a nasty shaded combination of purple, blue and brown.

"Bad," he answered simply.

Sakura groaned, closing her eyes again. "Dou're not tuppozd do dell me dat."

"Do you want me to tell you that it looks just fine?"

She paused for a moment, taking this into consideration, before sighing in defeat. "No…"

"Right. Now," Sasuke placed both hands on either side of her face, his thumbs bracing both sides of her nose, the rest of his fingers brushing along her jaw and the lobes of her ears, "is your nose numb?" He pressed slightly to the right.

Sakura yelped. "No! No, not beally."

"Alright, well, on the count of three, I'm going to push it back into place."

"Okay," she breathed, still not completely ready.

"One, two," and Sasuke's finger's twitched.

_Crack_.

"Ow! Ow! What the hell happened to three?" Sakura demanded furiously, throwing herself backwards, holding her nose protectively.

"Three." He gave her a smug look, re-crossing his arms as he did so.

"Very funny," she growled and grabbed the frozen bag of peas. "You better hope that you got it perfectly straight, or your ass is mine." She prodded at her nose, wincing, but feeling around to try and locate a bump or divot of any sort. If she was extremely lucky—like her friend TenTen, a martial artist who had a knack for breaking her nose and miraculously having it fixed without a ridge forming—there would be no bump after it healed completely.

But it was better to not get her hopes up.

Then, as she was finally paying attention to her boyfriend and _not_ her swelled nostrils, she spotted a small, crinkled package resting just behind his back. Sakura readjusted the bag on her face with a curious, "What's that?"

Sasuke half-turned, blinking down at the package he'd all but forgotten about. "It's nothing. Fast food," he said offhandedly. Why was he making excuses in order to avoid giving her the present? Hell, even he didn't know. Just, for some reason, he really didn't want to—perhaps it was his conscience warning him about what would surely happen should he place the present in her hands. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense.

"Uh huh…" she mused, smirking. "I think it looks like a present."

Sasuke scoffed. Damn. She'd caught him.

"Oh?" she cooed, stalking over to him again in a predatory manner. Though, seeing her holding a bag of frozen vegetables to her nose kind of offset the whole image. "A present for me?" Sakura flopped onto the couch next to her boyfriend, eyeing him deviously. "I like presents." Then, unexpectedly, she removed the compress, revealing her less-than-glamorous nose, and planted a quick kiss on his cheek.

He jumped, startled, not foreseeing the incoming smooch. "I told you—" Sasuke began to protest.

But, she only reached around him—not that he attempted to restrain her in the first place—and snatched the bag. She ripped it open. And then she squealed.

"Sasuke!" she shouted, grinning despite how painful it probably was—she usually crinkled her nose when she smiled after all. "I love you so much!" She tossed her present aside on the coffee table, launching herself onto him.

He was ready and waiting for it.

Sakura kissed his cheek again, and again, then once right on his lips. She hugged him around his neck, pressing against him fully. Sasuke smirked, resting one of his hands on her back, dangerously close to the waistband of her short-shorts. Well, damn, if she reacted like this every time he bought her a present he would start doing it daily.

"_The Vampire Diaries?_" she asked, her voice pitching in excitement. "I can't believe you bought me every single season!" Suddenly, she paused. "Did Naruto tell you to buy this?" she asked as she squinted at him in suspicion.

Sasuke lifted his eyebrows. "No."

Naruto had only _inspired_ the present. That was all.

"Hmm…" she conceded, smiling again. "Well, I know what we're doing tonight…."

At this, Sasuke perked, hoping dearly that she was speaking about _physical_ activities…and _not_ the entire box set of the stupid American drama he had bought for her. His hope popped like a crashing hot air balloon when Sakura held up the box titled 'Season One'. His head lolled back, resting on the back of the couch.

"I knew I shouldn't have bought it," he muttered.

This was all Naruto's fault for bringing up American television in the first place. He was the one who had gotten Sakura hooked on that vampire show. 'Stephen and Elena' this, 'Damen and Elena' that. Good God. He was never going to hear the end of it.

"Ino's going to be so jealous," Sakura laughed, popping the first disk in the DVD player.

Oh no. Ino. Shikamaru. Sasuke groaned. Great, now Sakura was going to brag to _Ino_, who would go to buy the same box set the next day and then force Shikamaru to watch it with her too, and afterwards Shikamaru would place blame on _Sasuke_. Then there would probably be the '_Vampire Diaries Party_' where Sakura and Ino would force him and Shikamaru to watch it together, in the same room, and actually have _opinions_ on the show. He almost shuddered.

"How about…we keep this a secret?" he proposed as the first scene began to play.

"Secret?" Sakura repeated, glancing at her boyfriend. Then, she giggled, realizing that he was probably embarrassed to be watching a 'girl' show. "Okay, fine." _For now,_ she added as an afterthought. She was working on the idea of a VD marathon. Sakura smirked. Win. Totally worth breaking her nose for—and just for the record, she'd totally missed on purpose.

Yeah.

Okay, so maybe not. Whatever; she got the entire set of The Vampire Diaries out of this. The only issue was that the next season would come around and she wouldn't have it on DVD in her box set. So that brought up the question—what should she injure next?

"Hey, Sasuke," she whispered, keeping her voice low as the episode played on, "what would you do if I…_accidentally_ sprained my ankle?"

He froze in his seat. God. She was onto him. "Get you flowers, like a normal person," he answered lamely. He was _not_ buying her the next season—not even as her birthday present. After this night, he was _never_ going to watch vampire-anything ever again. Ever.

Next to him, Sakura sulked. Well damn. Guess that meant she would have to beg him to buy it as a birthday present, wouldn't she? She smirked. She could be pretty damn persuasive.

Sasuke, as though he sensed this change in her thoughts, stiffened. He had a bad, _bad_ feeling in the pit of his stomach.

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_**Didn't you know? Sakura's obsessed with The Vampire Diaries. Which is funny, because I really can't stand the show (don't shoot me). I based a bit of her character off of one of my friends. And as for Sasuke, well, the poor guy is just trapped with such a conniving girlfriend. As stated above, review! And if you have thoughts, give me inspiration! Oh, and also, as for Sakura's speech, just try sounding it out if you can't understand it. If it still doesn't make sense to you, and you REALLY want to know what she said, then you can go ahead and PM me, I don't bite...most of the time ;) Anyway. REVIEW. Clicky de button. Yeah, that one, right underneath this sentence...**_

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_**Edited: 3/29/13  
**_


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